October 9,2011

ok....it has been some time....The second day of school, I was attempted to be laid off.   I was them transferred from Willow...made to interview at Kenneth Clement and take the k job over junior high.  Adjustment has been hard.  The kids had 4 teachers.  the kids are awful at best.  Tomorrow we are going on a field trip.  I really don't know how I am going to do this.  I am watching freedom writers at the moment for motivation.  I see so much truth in this.  I maybe don't know nothing.....nothing....nothing.....I see all this...and think, especially about the white...it is all about color....wanting what people deserve and how people are so distrusting....because they can...because they are white.  This is why they hate on site.  I don't see myself as a babysitter...but it is so darn hard to face the amount of distrust that happens in our system.  I refuse to die without respect. 
   What will I leave behind?   Maybe there is one truth when I was told that black teachers should teacher black kids....and how white teachers should stay away...Why God....why did you put me in Cleveland?  l am tempting the very essence of my abilities.  this is an innovative school.  This is suppose to be in a climate that raises above.  I want to teach them discipline...but how?
   These are only kinders.   I will not take 5 on this trip tomorrow.  Maybe I have been mean and nasty.  The move has been too hard.  The teachers too nasty.  They think I am some kind of racist.....survival is all important.  I look at the freedom writers...she just put all these feelings together....so damm true.  It just makes me so overwhelmed.  Tomorrow is the beginning of a long week...and again I hate to feel like a failure....because I'm white?  or because I don't understand the culture.  I need to make some kind of sturucture...fast.  I worked all yesterday....how much do I need to do....how much do I give...I give my life....
   Maybe this is a rough area of town....just so much distrust....how do I find it....a white women...

June 27th

Well, I did lessons, studied the german, studied the weight and bible issues.  I also cleaned a bit.  I have much farther to go in my.....what I want to accomplish today.   My focus is to get caught up as much as possible.  so far, it seems to be going pretty well.  School, workshops are finished.  Camping is done,and now I can really focus on what I need to do.
     Yesterday, I actually suprised myself.  I went shopping after camp, german.  I got jim a birthday present, cake, and we had that for dinner.    I am pushing him gently.   He needs to see how hard I am working at things.   Today is the last day of scouts for awhile.  This will help in some areas.  I really want to dejunk and clean the kitchen. 
   Yesterday, we went through a house just like this one.  Exactly same house.....but the thing was...how much space they had.  It was really cleaned up nice.   It had many things put together.  I loved it, but the outside wasn't as nice.  I am finiding it interesting that I don't like this house becasue....the upkeep.   Plain and simple.....the repairs must to taken care of.  My goal is to start using so much $ to fix things as I see fit.  It just seems that everytime I go to do that...it is one thing after the other.  One of the things that I would love to do is to get a handle on the classroom things.  That way, I can come home and do what I need to do.  I am hoping with about 80 pounds off my body that I will have more energy to do what I want.  I remember how uncomfortable I was pregnant with the extra weight.   Maybe this is a sign.
   I read today about how eve was tempted for food.   I really believe that this has something validity.   In the end, it cost her.  If I see that kind of visual, it is good.   Also, the fact that more is expected out of me then being tempted by food.   It makes sense.  I will continue to read more about this when I work out.  I think I will stick to the biking today.   that way I can really read more about the diet, weight and spirit. 
     Yesterday, I bought 3 little christmas presents from bath and body.  They are the plug in fragances.  I figure that I could use these for little presents at school.   I also got little hand santizers and lotion for school.  I want to really use the sink more at school.   Maybe put my plate, towel, etc there for lunch.   Make it cozy.  The girl before me also had some little nick nack things.   Apples...all sorts of things.  I think that I could find some giraffe stuff on e-bay.  Just a few things to make it homey.   I am concerned about school next year.  The first grade teacher was really good.   I need some more music for sure.  I think that I would be able to use my schuffle and download some things for the kids.  I know that I have a player.   With all this.....I think that I need to really beef up the computer skills.   I think with that....it should be easier.  Like, I would love to use a smart board and I would love to do a lot of computer stuff...especially the lessons and evaluation piece.  I will truly have to think that over.   I really see evaluation as a critical piece.  However, I don't think that the number of paper is the key...it is understanding the concept.   My goal would be then to see how the skills are...not exactly keep track of the amount of papers the child can handle.   Maybe in the coming weeks I can work on that as well.  Right now, I am working on lessons.  It is rather dull.  I think that I would/could do better if I would work on class projects, the actual lessonplan book etc.  Maybe if jim and kids go to scouts this evening, that I can do some research at the library.
    Interestlingly enough Kim has not responded to my posts.   She know that I am upset, and had even sent her a message.   She hasn't responded to im, message, or what I posted on her wall.  She is completely ignoring me.  Well, too bad....she knows what to do with her life.   She knows that she was a total wreck with her....running around, doctor visits, moving, new car, going to kentucy and now car that is in a bind.   Grow up and face the music.
    oh, getting back to the computer, I think that the new phone will help me remember more of what I need to accomplish.  Especially with household items and not rebuying things.  I also want to make better us of the bathroom and closet areas.   Really put some much needed touches on this house.   Looking back, I can understand how much I had to fight to get stuff done around here.  I am finally, finally getting the kids off the games and making them work a bit.

School stuff

My quest for keeping it simple....Just when you thought otherwise.....we get more stuff...or it piles....I made the suggestion to jim that we would meet with jim and carol in january.  That way I am not buying stuff all at once...and I can not have to worry about postage....also...I want to make it quite clear that there are some things that should and shouldn't be...she moved there...and I refuse to walk around her.  Ok....school stuff....I am just going to list here some ideas so I can reference them later

Theme 7 Bug Surprises Week1 and 2

Theme 8 Week 1,2,3, Animal adventures
Put kids b-days on candles
Plce names and addresses in grade book



Clean out purse-put in calendar
Send Andrea-put in calendar

100 Challenge

3.  Cell phone
6.  Planner (Calendar)
7.  Timer
8. notebook for notes(paper)
9.Make-up and supplies
10.  Books( more to come on that)

100 things challenge

I don't know if I will ever get the 100 things, but I know that i will try my best.   I am starting a list.....

1. Bible
2.  Camera
(3.)  Glasses( doesn't count..part of body...) got rid of spare pair...will replace if needed
4.  Jewelry:
     Wedding rings
     Easter bracklet
     Pearl earrings
5.  E-reader-  (if available online....Gift for wedding....angie)

Tuesday September 28

Today went really well.   The kids are starting to see where the line is and I must be strong about this.  I remember thinking that the Lord is going to help me with this, and I did feel much better.  I went back to class and it was ok.  I need to organize things more and get more of a system down for them.  Also, I need to change the bulletin boards in the hallways, etc.  I am getting to this point but not where it should be.  It seems that I am falling behind as usual.  Tomorrow, I will just spend all day trying to make up for what I missed.  Most of the kids did well on their first reading test.  I still have two more to test.  I am not keeping a written grade since most of our work in on the assessment. 
    The only thing that I accomplished at home was to do some bible study and weigh myself.  I gained 3 pounds.  So.....now I am 73 pounds overweight.  Everyone tells me I am melting away.  I don't see it.  I want to be 200 by my birthday....nov. 8.  Slow and steady. 
     I do have to think about Jacob's Eagle party and also homecoming for David is Saturday.  I want to take lots of pictures.  I will post these on Facebook. 
    I talked with my brother about the possibility that my sister did some talking with my aunt.  She would not return Rod's message.  This is the second time.  She did this also with a neighbor and I am finding it very hard to find forgiveness in this.  If only I could....it has been so long now.  I am still angry and upset that she would find a nursing home as a place to live her life.  I got to remember I am not in control of this.  This summer I thought about stopping writing or giving her a letter.  I even put in my last card that the nurses will give her a stamp and she could write.  I don't know if I will ever trust her.  I know I need to work on this.
    Next, it still bothers me about Ruth and DeeDee.  Ruth didn't even tell me when Alice died.  I would have went because I need some forgiveness for the awful things she said about people.  DD said that I wasn't to be trusted.   Is anyone?  I try my best.  Ruth is controlling, but I thought DD would act like that....I wrote to her several times, called her....and she would never return my calls or emails.  I told her that since she never responded that I know what she told Ruth was true about me.  I still wish we could talk this through. 
    Now, Ruth is a different story.  I haven't talked with her since last New'years.  Since then Alice had died and not a word was said about the whole situation.  We don't have anything in common expect our boys.  She is a user.  I hope that things are better with her.   I also thought of writing her an email, but I have given up hope on both of them.   Now, what would Jesus do?   I don't know if writing would help......it hasn't in the past.  I think it would be best to move on and make new friends.   This takes time, and I am finally working on it.

ok...I am trying it this way instead of having a journal.  I  can surely type a lot faster than writing the whole thing out. 
I am using this more like a goal journal than anything else.  I have just come back from a women's conference and I am slowly trying to get my act together. 
So...I think what I need to do is focus on being healthy.  I need to lose 73 pounds.  no joke.  Then, I would like to try to do the 100 challenge in which I am a member on facebook.   I need to live simply and it all seems to never go that way.....although school is much better....my home is still hectic.  So this is my attempt and how I will do this.   I am really pumped up , but my cough and cold are holding me back.  
I need this to keep my family together, especially my oldest child.   The funny thing was that by bmi was like a pregnant woman.  That is just sad.
     I will start this evening with whatever I can find to start the being like Esther....who is now my favorite bible character......